


The Reason

by SpecialKtheGreat



Series: The Padfoot Tragedies [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Abuse, James is not a nice person either, M/M, Manipulation, Mentions of suicide attempt, Sirius Needs a Hug, The Potters Live, The Prank, Young Sirius Black, an experiment with unreliable narrators, hinted sirius/severus, neither is sirius, not a happy fic, remus is not a nice person here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 14:20:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4749569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpecialKtheGreat/pseuds/SpecialKtheGreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Jealous, Remus?” Sirius asks, all sugar and bite.<br/>“Of Harry? You think so highly of yourself! How did I ever love a creature as selfish as you?”</p>
<p>--<br/>Some things should remain a secret.  Harry learns that no one is innocent when he overhears an argument long overdue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Reason

“If it’s okay, can I ask why you did it?”

He doesn’t even glance at me. He just keeps looking forward, his face expressionless as he asks, “Why did I do what?” He reminds me of a statue. He’s pretty, so pretty. But he’s really cold, too.

I squirm. “You know,” I answer reluctantly.

“Unfortunately I am not a Legilimens,” he answers evenly, but this time looking sideways at me, “so I do not know what you mean.”

Yes he does; I think he just enjoys playing mind games. I asked Dad why he does that, but Dad just told me that Sirius’ family spoke in double meanings and not to be surprised if he simply spoke in circles around me. Apparently Sirius had made a habit of that while he was still young, and he didn’t grow out of it.

“Why did you…” I start, but trail off. I’m not even sure if it’s okay to ask the question. I mean, is it okay to ask someone you just did _that_ with why they…

“Why I tried to kill myself? Why we did this? What question did you mean to ask?” he asks softly. “Or perhaps there is something else you mean to ask?” he wondered softly, looking at me from under half-laden eyelashes, the black down veiling the grey pools. I can see why Uncle Moony used to love him so much. It’s hard to say no when he looks at you like that. I should know.

“Maybe you mean to ask why your lover ended his own life?”

The soft whisper startles me. How could he possibly know? I didn’t tell anyone—not even Ron and Hermione—about Cedric. “What?” I gasp.

His eyes slip shut as he chuckles humorlessly. “You weren’t obvious if that is what you want to know. You knew too well what must be done when two men make love for me to have been your first.” His back arches, and the silver moonlight trickling through the curtains of my bedroom window shine off the pure skin. Actually, the skin isn’t all that pure. There are curse marks all across his back and his arms from spells like the Cruciatus Curse and worse. Absently, my fingers brush over the skin of his hip.

“Then how did you know?” I ask him. His head rests on my shoulder, content to be petted and adored.

“You become melancholy each time the name “Cedric” is mentioned,” he muses, arching harder to my touch. It’s scary how much he notices sometimes. But there’s a little thrill that goes through me every time I make him react to my touches. Sometimes I think he’s more than a little part Veela. His whole family is too pretty to not be. It’s weird. They all look the same, too. But Sirius is as pretty as a guy can be without being too girly. It’s really weird. It’s also really hard to describe. It’s one of those things you need to be there to see. “His name was Cedric, was it not?”

Oh yeah. That’s what he was asking. “Yeah, it was,” I answer softly. How can he distract me like that? Cedric—for all of his weird habits and wonderful ones, too—couldn’t make me totally forget about everything.

“I couldn’t begin to answer ‘why’ to any of your question,” he admits slowly. His eyes are slipping shut and staying shut longer. He never stays awake long after we have sex. His breathing levels out, and he stills. When he sleeps it’s like he’s dead. That’s how deep he sleeps. Dad really freaked out the first time he walked in on a sleeping Sirius. Here the phrase “little death” takes on a whole new meaning (Hermione had gone through a French literature phase, and that expression’s always stuck with me).

Dad acts so strangely around Sirius—everyone does. Mom treats him like he’s made of glass or something. Uncle Moony can’t be in the same room without looking like he’s going to throw up (once Dad’s spell had worn off _that night_ , he did) or like he’s going to punch something (he did that, too). But Dad…I saw him touching Sirius’s cheek like he once did to Mom yesterday. It kinda hurt to see. Then Uncle Moony walked in and Dad stopped. I saw Sirius watch Uncle Moony from under his eyelashes like he always does and that hurt even more. I wonder what either of them would say if they could see the bruise he has on his neck now.

His breath tickles my neck as he breaths softly, but he makes no sound nor does he move. It’s so strange. I’m not use to it. Cedric always kicked in his sleep, or talked sometimes. Sirius is so cold, too. With Cedric, you didn’t need blankets, even in the drafty rooms of Hogwarts. Most of the time Sirius’ skin is like ice. You almost need to wrap him in a blanket all to himself. Madam Pomfrey—the only healer Dad and Regulus (Sirius’ younger…older…Merlin, this is confusing! Sirius’ brother) could both agree on allowing seeing Sirius—said that’s because his body isn’t use to having to keep warm or to eat or do anything people have to do to function anymore. His body has to get re-use to it or something.

Sirius is so different from Cedric. Cedric had kinda messy brown-blonde hair, but Sirius has long, immaculate, black hair. Their eyes are total opposites, too. Cedric’s were warm, but Sirius’…well, they aren’t. Cedric had a solid frame, but Sirius, despite his broad shoulders, has a very thin frame. He’s kinda scrawny actually. It’s kinda hard to believe Dad when he says Sirius was the best beater the Gryffindor quiditch team ever had. Apparently he had a mean arm and a meaner vengeful strike, like I couldn’t have figured that out.  
Sirius has a habit of making biting comments filled with sarcasm, when he does speak at least. He’s usually quiet, but he answers whenever someone speaks to him. His comments can be very bitter and mean. Hermione calls him spoiled and brattish, but I think that’s because he can out-smart her. She doesn’t like it when people can out-smart her.

Sirius is much more pleasant when he’s sleeping. He almost looks like an angel. No, he does look like an angel, a perfect fallen angel who’s lost his wings. If he did have wings, they would definitely have plumage of the darkest black. He’s so thin that his shoulder blades stick out abnormally far. It looks like he had wings, but they were clipped off.

I wonder what it would be like to have wings. What would it feel like to just fly away from all of your problems? Is that why he took that potion? To fly away?

Hours later I wake to discover Sirius is gone, as is all his clothes. That doesn’t surprise me. He sleeps deeply like the dead, but never for very long. He has rests constantly throughout the day, though. It’s weird. It’s like his body is afraid that if he sleeps too long he won’t wake up again.

I get up too and pull on my jeans. I’m glad we’re staying at Dad’s right now. He doesn’t make me get fully dressed right away like Mom does. In fact, Dad’s famous for wearing only boxers when he’s home, even when he’s expecting guests. Mom would have freaked out if I left my room like this. I don’t bother with shoes or socks or a shirt before I leave my room and head to the kitchen for some coffee. Ah, godly coffee. I’d rather a cup of coffee over a cup of even the best tea.

Before I get there, I hear voices in a hushed argument coming from the main room with the fire place. At first I can’t tell who it is, but as I get closer, I can. As I get closer, the voices are getting louder as the words get more heated.

“I don’t know what you are trying to pull, but your trick won’t work!” the angry voice of Uncle Moony hisses.

“Let go of me. You lost the right to touch me,” the quiet but steady voice of Sirius responds. 

“And a sixteen-year-old child has the right?” Uncle snarls. “Don’t look so surprised—we both know it’s an act. I can smell him on you, you little whore. I wonder…were you on your knees for him, or maybe your back?”

“Jealous, Remus?” Sirius asks, all sugar and bite.

“Of Harry? You think so highly of yourself! How did I ever love a creature as selfish as you?”

As the two continue their exchange, I sneak closer and peer into the room from around the archway. Uncle Moony is glaring down at Sirius darkly, while Sirius is looking like he is taking some kind of twisted pleasure from the argument. Uncle’s gripping Sirius’s upper arm—from the way Uncle’s knuckles are turning white, I know it has to hurt Sirius. Uncle Moony is very strong, way stronger than anyone else I know (except Hagrid, but in Uncle Moony’s defense, Hagrid is a half-giant). Sirius doesn’t show that he’s being hurt, though. He’s just giving Uncle Moony a goading sneer.

“You are incapable of love!” Sirius baits. “And you have always been.”

“I am incapable of love?” Uncle Moony almost roars. “Then what are you? You never loved anyone but yourself! You still only love yourself! That’s why! Isn’t it, Sirius? That’s why you did it!”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Sirius answers coolly. The sneer disappears, but a carefully controlled mask appears in its place. It looks almost worse.

“Such a perfect little doll! Is it any wonder you fooled all of us for so long?” Uncle Moony chuckles darkly, madly. “Did you do it to punish me...or James?”

The grey eyes widen a fraction. What does Uncle Moony mean? I think I missed something very important. 

“You are making no sense.”

“I am making no sense? I am making no sense!” Uncle lashes out, yanking Sirius closer to him. He looks like he’s going to hurt him very badly very soon.. “You are the little harlot that goes crawling into bed with Harry? Why? Is it your sick need for attention? A sick way to twist the knife a little more?”

What? That’s none of his business! My hand balls into a fist, but I bite my lip to stop myself from shouting out.

“Well it worked, didn’t it?” Sirius hisses from behind perfect teeth. “You can’t stand it. It makes you sick…because you know I’ll never look at you like I look at him again.” He smirks, and his eyes glint like a dog that has latched onto a particularly juicy bone and is very unwilling to relinquish it.

“LIAR!” Uncle Moony shouts. Where’s Dad when you need him? Before I can realize what is happening, he smacks Sirius across his face, sending him tumbling to the ground. Sirius looks up at him from his crumpled position on the floor with a hand touching his bleeding lip and a look of disbelief on his features.

“You hit me,” he whispers.

Uncle Moony's eyes are narrowed. A harsh sneer is spread across his face. He doesn't look the least bit sorry. I want to go and hurt him for what he’s done, but what can I do? I’ve seen Uncle Moony like this once before…not even Professor Dumbledore could get him to stop.

“You hit me,” Sirius whispers again more steadily, his eyes now set in a glare. He rises to his feet, his own hands balled.

“Maybe that’s what I should have done when I found you with Snape the first time. You pathetic waste. What did he do then to deserve to be fed to your vengeful boyfriend?”

“Don’t bring him into this!” Sirius screams. I’ve never heard him scream before. His jaw strains and the blood from his lips drips off his chin. Some of his hair has escaped the ribbon he keeps it tied back it. Wait…what does Snape have to do with anything? “Everything I had ever done I had done for you! Everything! And you cast me aside! So I found someone who cared just the slightest bit for me, and you were the first to punish me! You do not get to hold that against me any longer!”

“Once he served his purpose to you, you tried to dispose of him,” Uncle accuses. “But James ruined your little plot, didn’t he. If he hadn’t come early, then Severus would have been only a blood stain.” His voice is a low growl. “You used me.”

“Fine,” Sirius snarls back. “I did. Are you honestly surprised? And everyone thought you were the smart one!” He leans forward again, and it is everything I can do not to stop them. 

“And I would make no changes could I do it all again.”

“You are no different than any of _Them_ ,” Uncle Moony says in complete disgust. 

Sirius looks angrier. He parts his lips to speak, but Uncle Moony stops him. “I’m right, you know. You can deny it all you want, but you’ll always be just another Black.”

“You act as if you were the victim all along!” Sirius booms. “You are no such thing! You are the one who lead me along all the while! You are the one who used me for your satisfaction…the wolf’s satisfaction! And when you grew tired of me, you tossed me aside!” It looks like there are tears forming in Sirius’s eyes, but I can’t be sure. “Severus cared for me, and you and James ruined it! Did you ever wonder why James was early that night? It’s because he knew. He knew because he made me do it. He made me! And then you all just pushed me away like a disgusting thing simply because it amused you to do so! Yes! I did it to punish you. I did it to punish James! I did it to make you see that you were nothing without what me, and I was right.”

“You think we were nothing without you? You delusional little child!” Uncle Moony shouts. Dad, if you can read my thoughts, please hurry home from wherever you are. “You didn’t get your way, so you did just what a spoiled child would do. You even fooled Lily into thinking that you were a human being worth remembering…worth crying over. You were never human!”

“And you were?” 

“I never denied it! You lie and make yourself seem like you never had any blood on your hands, but you played with our lives like they were a game of chess! Well I am finished with it! James may still be blinded by you, but I will not fall for your tricks anymore! He will see soon, and so shall everyone else.”

Sirius’s face is set in stone again. “He’ll never believe you. He’s too much in love with me and the idea of his dear Padfoot returning to him to ever believe you,” he hisses.

“Then why are you playing games with Harry like this?” Uncle Moony asks softly, almost like he really doesn’t want to know the answer despite his anger. I also want to know. How did he fool me, too? Was it all a lie? How long has he planned this?

“Do you know what the last thing James said to me was?” Sirius asks as his pink tongue darts out to lick at the blood on his lip. “He told me, ‘It was all just a game to me.’ A game, like I didn’t mean anything to him. So I’m showing him what it means to mean nothing, and when he opens his eyes, he will see.”

“You are heartless.”

“I am incapable of love, after all,” Sirius responds bitterly. “Harry uses me as much as I use him. I am just a replacement for someone lost to him. Hate me. It makes no difference.”

“You are truly the most pathetic individual I have ever met,” Uncle Moony says flatly before dissapporating out of the flat. 

I don’t move from my hiding place, and Sirius doesn’t move from his place. He doesn’t even wipe away the blood. The tears are running down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make any sounds. Everything has changed.


End file.
